Weird Lincoln Tales, Issue #1

**Disclaimer: This is not an April Fool's post in any way, shape, or form. For the most part, I detest April Fool's pranks. Though Google typically has good ones. **


Have you ever played the game (or some variation) where you have to come up with two truths and one lie about yourself, and people have to figure out which is which? If not, try it sometime. It's kind of fun. The key, apparently, is to have some truly weird experiences to tell about, and then throw in a less-exotic lie. For instance:


Greg has:

• Performed the 7th inning stretch at Shea Stadium


• Bowled a perfect game


• Been a bank robbery suspect

So....which is not true?

Diligent friends and readers will already know that the first item is true, so the debate comes down to the second two. Which is more probable? Not to belabor the point, but I have never bowled a perfect game (my high is a 256).

Which gives us Weird Lincoln Tales #1, the time I was a bank robbing suspect.

We were living in Iowa City, IA at the time (the time being April of 2003). Thurman was a very smart little 2 year-old running around and just starting to learn how to hit a baseball off a tee. Carma was a faculty member at the University of Iowa, and I was working as a consultant at Noel-Levitz.

My lunch-time habits back then were fun, if un-thrifty. Being Iowa City, I had a wide selection of cheap eats, almost all within a 10 minute drive. Godfather's Pizza buffet, Taco John's, Bruegger's Bagels, you name it. It was fast-food heaven. One day though, I apparently made the mistake of going to Subway. Unknown to me, the following article had run in one of the local papers:

On Monday, April 7, 2003 at approximately 9:40 a.m. the Iowa City Police Department responded to a robbery alarm from the Iowa State Bank, at 2233 Rochester Ave. The robbery suspect is described as a white male in his 20’s, between 5’10" and 6’ tall, weighing 225 to 275 lbs., wearing a base ball style cap under a hooded blue, black and gray flannel coat. The suspect was wearing large round glasses and appeared to have a mustache and goatee, both of which may have been fake. The suspect presented a note to a teller demanding money and then fled the area with an undisclosed amount of cash. No weapon was displayed. The robbery is under investigation by the Iowa City Police Department. Anyone with information about this robbery is encouraged to call the Iowa City Police Department at 356-5275. For additional photos contact Sgt. Krei at 319-356-5293.

Along with the story was the following bank photo of the robber.

(The actual web page with the story has since been removed.)

So, while I was at Subway, a diligent town citizen noted me and took down my license plate. I mean, who can blame him/her? I was a white male in my twenties, 5'10", in the weight range, and probably even wearing a hat, not to mention the goatee and glasses. The next morning, while I was at work and Carma was at home, Sgt. Krei stopped by our home to pay a visit. After he left, Carma called me at work and let me know that the Police had stopped by, and wanted to talk to me.

The rest of the story is actually a bit anti-climactic, you know, mainly because I wasn't really the bank robber. I did get to go to the police station for an interview (I wouldn't call it an interrogation), but the detective in charge knew almost right away I wasn't his guy. I'd like to say it was my innocent looks that got me off, but apparently I was lacking a mole on my cheek that was evident in the photo. Up to the time I went into the police station though, I really had no idea why I was there or what (if anything) I was being suspected of, which made it a little exciting/frightening. After the interview, I went home to go look up the story online, and saw the photo. I said to Carma, "Maybe I did do it!"

I don't know if they ever caught the guy. Maybe they thought it was me, but couldn't get a case together. Within the next year I was laid off and we moved to New York, I'm not convinced that it's all coincidence. I'm pretty sure I'm on some Iowan black-list or something, just for looking like a real bank robber. Oh well, at least NYC still has a Subway I can go to for lunch.