BFFs

I'm kind of weird when it comes to friendships. Don't get me wrong, I'm a friendly guy. I just have a hard time making friends. Over my adult life, I have made friends. However, it is only a few that I ever seem to keep for a long time.

My first/longest running friendship started in 1993(ish) with Trav. We still keep in touch, and when we get together it's always fun to catch up, and sometimes it's like we never missed a beat. We met at college, and though he did not return to school for a second year, the friendship remained. We had a lot of similar interests, and were both pretty geeky. Maybe we still are.

Aaron was next, a veteran of my Fremont, NE (and then Omaha) days. Honestly, I never understood why Aaron liked me. We started off on a volleyball team, where he was clearly our best player, and I was the worst. Maybe I just made him feel better. :) But over time, he and I went through some tough times together, but we turned out alright. He helped spark my fanhood for baseball, and we both trend toward mildly dark and even sometimes irreverent humor.

When I moved to Evanston , IL it was a bit of a different world. My newest best friend was Carma. But soon after I moved to be with her, she was morally obligated to stick with me despite my bad jokes, silly habits, quirks, and stubbornness. She married me in spite of my faults, though maybe she didn't read the fine print. Either way, she's one friend I don't intend to lose.

However, friend-making was a bit of a new experience as a couple. Being new at this, we just picked out couple at church to be friends with, and invited them over for dinner. Which is how we got to be friends with the Fishers. Todd and I developed a good friendship, at first based on the strength of racquetball (which he would almost always beat me at. I'm sensing a pattern here.). Plus, being about the same age and relatively newly-weds, we had quite a bit in common. Over time though, it was much more of course. As a convert to the LDS church, Todd was kind of my guide into the world of the priesthood, Elder's Quorum, and the sometimes quirky world of Mormon life. Anyway, as important as that was, I always had fun with Todd because he was nice, had a good sense of humor, and he didn't think I was a total oddball. Or at least, he never said it out loud.

When we moved to Iowa City, of course it was necessary to find another friend. This time it proved more difficult, and took longer. We had some casual friends, and tried branching out. But we finally succeeded and became good friends with Neal & Amy Jones. Though we were a little bit older, I think we partially bonded with them since we each had a child of the same age. Thurman and Garrett were good buddies. Neal and I started off by serving for an afternoon together in the hot and muggy sun telling cars where to park, and to pass the time, Neal picked my brain about baseball. After that, we had to be friends I guess. :)

However, we eventually left Iowa, leaving more friends behind. We moved to Manhattan for a year, and then to Hoboken, where we've been the past three years. And I'm still looking for that friend to come along.

Now, it's not to say I don't have any friends. But it's just not the same level of friendship though. I know several people that have at least some similar interests as me, but I've yet to really connect with someone yet.

Which has started me thinking a bit. Is it me? I'm guessing in part yes, but not something I can really control. In church, Carma and I are kind of...older, I guess. At least in comparison to the main demographic of the ward. Which doesn't seem like it should be that much of a barrier, but it kind of is. For me particularly, with my calling, I feel like I'm viewed as not only older, but "more responsible", which isn't necessarily what I'm best at (but maybe what I'm supposed to learn?), but certainly may not make me the best candidate for a friend.

In addition, you get the whole kid-thing. I love my kids, and wouldn't trade them for anything, but it really seems like this societal limitation that once you have kids, you're only allowed to be friends with other people who have kids. It's probably similar with couples as well, come to think about it, and certainly is not restricted to our church. Really, maybe it all just comes down to scheduling. We parents are all so busy taking care of our kids that the only other people we interact with are other parents, our co-workers, and the occasional order-taker at McDonald's or Dunkin Donuts.

Another part of my own problem is that I don't really open up much to people in general, at least until I'm comfortable. Then, I'm just loud and obnoxious and talk too much. Maybe that's my real problem.

I guess I just miss having someone to go to a guy movie with, or to chat about baseball, or to tell stupid jokes to (and will laugh instead of rolling their eyes), or beat me at athletic activities. You know, a friend.



***Post script***

Okay, so this post sounds a lot more whiny and/or melancholy than I intended. I'm not looking for a pity-party, or anything like that. I was just thinking back to my good friendships I've had, and miss them. While I still maintain contact and friendships with everyone, it's much harder over distance.