The Hearts of the Fathers

“And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” Malachi 4:6

Yesterday while at work, I received the news that my father had passed away. It had not been unexpected, but the news still had quite an impact on me. Not long after my family and I visited him for Thanksgiving (2006), he was diagnosed with brain cancer. His previous tumors had been removed, but were non-malignant. What spawned afterwards was a fast-growing, malignant cancer.

I was able to visit twice more. I went for a surprise visit for his birthday last March, and again for Father's Day last June. Both times I saw him, he was seemingly still doing fine, though his motor skills were in decline. I kept in contact with him and my step-mother, and from her got the updates of his rapidly declining condition. Throughout, he was slowly losing his memory, his personality, his cognitive skills, his ability to walk, and eventually could not feed himself, or talk.

Late last summer I changed jobs, making it near impossible to visit since I had extremely limited time off. With his deteriorating condition, I knew that if I didn't visit again soon, I might not have the opportunity to do so. However, I ended up making a conscious choice not to visit. If nothing else, I have very few and precious memories of spending time with my father. I didn't want to have those memories completely overshadowed by new memories of him bed-ridden, non-coherent, and not at all himself. Is that selfish of me? To want to preserve in my own mind a better image of a father I had barely known? Perhaps it was. But I hope now that it was still the right decision.

The real feeling of loss I have is that I should have made an effort to be in contact with him and his family sooner. I don't know how I would have done that, but I probably would have been able to find a way. We could have shared more, I could have gotten to know everyone better. They would know my children better. But I didn't do anything. My fear of further rejection kept me idle. It was easy to be indifferent when I didn't know anything. Now that was the selfish act, which I regret very much.

I've done many things in my life that I do regret, but often keep in mind the caveat- "well, if I didn't do them, would I still be here?" Granted, maybe the time wasn't right for our meeting beforehand. Maybe things would have not gone so well. I guess I should not bemoan the things I cannot change, and focus on what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I did get to know him, brief however it was.
I'm glad he got to at least see his grandsons.
I'm glad I have ties with the rest of the family, so that those relationships will continue and grow.
I'm glad that he was happy to see me when I did visit. There's nothing quite like the joy of a father's approval.

Which for me, needs to be the ultimate lesson here. I need to be grateful for every day I have with my own sons. Make certain they know I love them, and that they know I am proud of them.